How to develop your emotional intelligence: Managing your emotions
US psychologist Hendrie Weisinger, in 'Emotional Intelligence at Work'. reminds us that our emotional responses are driven - not by someone else’s actions or an external event - but by our own thoughts, bodily arousals, and behaviours. So, after an outburst by a short-tempered colleague, your pounding heart and your clenched fist cause you to feel angry. Knowing this, you can appreciate that the power to manage your anger, and indeed all your other emotions, rests with you - not with your nasty colleague or anyone else. Managing your emotions means you can stay on top of them - and here, Weisinger suggests, is how...
1. Keep your thoughts in check.
Our internal conversations, inner dialogues, or appraisals play a vital role in defining and shaping our emotional experiences. So…
a) Beware of spontaneous thoughts.
The thoughts that automatically spring to mind after an incident are different from internal dialogues or appraisals, which usually entail some deliberation. Spontaneous thoughts tend to be irrational (‘I could kill him’), initially believable (‘He’s always hyper-critical of me’), cryptic (‘I’m history!’), and often trigger other inappropriate spontaneous thoughts. Beware of such knee-jerk reactions…
b) Avoid distorted thinking.
Spontaneous thoughts lead to distorted thinking that can muddy our perception of reality. To distance yourself from this trap, try not to overgeneralise (‘She never listens to me’), avoid destructive labelling (‘He’s a jerk!’), eliminate mind-reading (‘The boss probably thinks I should be fired’), avoid rule-making (‘He ought to have apologised to me’), and don’t inflate the significance of an incident (‘This will cost me that promotion’)…
c) Develop constructive inner dialogues.
Eliminate destructive spontaneous thoughts and distorted thinking before they gain a foothold on your emotions.
Think constructively to defuse the effect of distressful events. Focus on problem-solving techniques; ask relevant questions; make reassuring statements about yourself, your boss, your situation and your future. Think positively.
2. Manage your arousal.
Physiological changes or arousal are those sensations that often accompany an incident and lead to an emotional response - racing heartbeat (fear), warm cheeks (anger), sweaty palms (nervousness). The key is to use them as cues that it’s time to calm yourself enough to think and act effectively. So…
a) Learn to identify shifts in arousal levels.
By failing to tune in to the changes in your arousal level, you run the risk of acting impulsively. So, after an unsettling event, be alert to the warning signs - increased heart rate, beading perspiration, flushed cheeks, jittery stomach, sweaty palms. It’s easier to act at this point to prevent yourself from getting anxious, angry, frustrated, fearful, or vengeful than to try to stop these emotions once they have taken over…
b) Use relaxation techniques.
Diminish arousal as soon as you identify it. Relaxing is the most effective way of doing so. When you relax, you slow down your bodily activity and restore your body to its normal state, giving you time to determine the best course of action, rather than act impulsively. Try counting to ten, taking a walk, deep breathing, meditation, yoga, music, or calming images. Once you can condition yourself to relax at will, you can short-circuit any change in arousal.
3. Take control of your behavioural patterns.
Behavioural patterns are actions we often involuntarily take in response to a particular situation - tap a pencil when angry, fidget when nervous, or yell when angry. To keep our emotions in check, we need to recognise and act on these signals. So…
a) Learn to identify your behaviours.
Certain behaviours are generally linked with specific emotions; if those behaviours remain unchecked, they perpetuate the emotion. For example, if you continue to fidget, your anxiety will persist. Remember, too, that not all behaviours are physical - you may habitually resort to sarcasm if you don’t get your own way; colleagues may avoid you if you’re a show-off. Consciously monitor your emotions; look for patterns; ask other people for their observations. Awareness will lead to elimination…
b) Eliminate counterproductive behaviours.
Having identified behaviours that work against you, take steps to eliminate them. Use constructive inner dialogue to take charge of your thoughts and actions. Try deep breathing to slow youself down and regain control.
